I was not of much use today
Didn’t feel like doing anything
So I drifted away in my mind
Thinking of everything that happened since the begin
When I started this year of school
Promised I would leave the past behind
Make new friends, don’t think about how it used to be
A new beginning, that’s what I hoped to find
And it worked out fine
Made great friends, had a lot of fun
But as I feared from the beginning
It wouldn’t last very long
Maybe a month, I hold up the appearance
Then the first one started to see
Asking me if there was something wrong
No, just had a bad day, it’s okay, just let me be
Well, now looking back
I see that was a sign
That things were not going well
But even I thought right then, that I was fine
I know I really wasn’t
I just didn’t want to accept the fact
That I cannot let go of my past
How stupid was I, what did I expect?
That just because it was going well
Feeling good for the first time in a few years
That everything was suddenly okay?
That I had let go of all my fears?
It’s just not that simple
Unfortunately it never is
I realizes that, because I found new ways
To fill the hole inside, something I miss
Besides, I stopped cutting for a while
And had made new friends, everything going well
But still didn’t feel good inside
Something happened to me, what I can’t tell
Just felt not good enough
How come that people do like me now?
It can’t be, I’m still the same
Then I made myself a vow
To not lose these people, I had to change
Make sure they would never leave my side
Had to become the perfect person
The only way was to hide
Hide the imperfection
Show them I’m fine, with always a smile on my face
But secretly gaining control
Of my eating habits, no it’s not just a phase
No one ever saw me eat
But they all didn’t notice, thank god for that
Maybe later they did, but it was too late
Don’t try to convince me I’m not fat
These thoughts sneaked in my head
While I wasn’t paying attention
Now, I can’t let them go
And I cannot deal with all this tension
People started pushing, were starting to see
That it was going wrong
I couldn’t take it, I had too much
And I did things I had not done for so long
All these emotions
Of guilt, shame, insecurity and disappointment
Had to show themselves, not knowing a way
I started to cut again, something I wish I could have prevent
Now, I’m lost, never been so broken before
Fallen deeper into darkness
I don’t know what to do
My whole live became a mess
One way to solve
And that’s to deal with my past
So I can finally let go, and feel happy again
And then that feeling will always last