The need of helping others.
At the cost of so many things.
At the cost of the many,words, kind and sweet.
Words with tears, the words with sorrow and losses.
The help each one an other. at the cost of my own.
Holding my self strong.
Holding my breath.
Fighting the emptiness inside.
Fighting to live an other day.
To help. to find love. Even holding on to my best friends.
Tell them whats on my mind. and even if i fail to bits. They pick me right up. they get me going back right up. in this live...
So much pain inside of me. so much suffering. and so much much ... love to give.
Afraid to take the next step or some thing i dont yet to Understand.
Struggled minds.
Job gone,witch i loved so much doing. stranded of finding a new place. no point of going further in this economic system. The hope that begins to scatter.
Struggling. between hope and love.
not 1 girl but 2.
Sounds crazy, if you single searching the one girl in you life. one you can do everything with. laugh cry, find support. one is far away to busy to see. how glad i wanna see her. and the other girl i see the most.
great days. happy days. days i caught me self staring for a bit. drifted in clouds of love. you got to try right. to find a lovely girl. who you want to support not control, not to own. but to love. when feelings are not like wise. you lose hope. you fall down.
with one question, what do to next.
Going on with the next day. Hoping that the day next is good, kind. the pain will calm down. and make room for acceptation.
Trying to keep my feelings calm. for the girl i had so many good days. but doesn't love me back in that way. but a lot in friendship.
Its troubling, keeps my mind busy, chaos drive when i drink my self numb. in some days dont want to live anymore.Things brought back from my past back in the present.
Well i still keep fighting for the next day to come, and the next.
Even if the night are rough. no not nightmares...
Even if the one girl loves me, but more in a friendship way. the moment after i told her once more how i feel about her.
The moment you wanna close you eyes. and start dreaming. which i rarely do.
I see her smiling in my dreams. in slowmotion. yeah just like in the movies. see looked at me holding my hand and smiled at me and not in a friendship kinda way. that was the beautiful but awkward first dream of her.
I am waking up from the dream with tears in me eyes, hoping to see something else than a hopeful torment dream.
But i spoke to soon.
The very next day dreaming begins just like the dream like yesterday.This time a lovers kiss right on the cheek.
Even .... then this time i woke up several time. and 6 time i woke up. waking up from a beautiful torment dreams Every dream that came when i close my eyes was of her...
got me shaking for 2 days till the day i am writing now.
need to get my mind straight. I want it to tell you. how i felt. some things are hard to say in person.
i am sorry. you know now why i got the feelings. why i cried on the the chair. continued by by confused by the stair.
But some where in the dark there is the light i havent lost yet...
I am scared to go to sleep. to scared to see again and again of thinking what Beautiful torment dream comes next.
i dont dream a lot.
its was my feeling saying someting from deep deep within me.
to travel finally to my dream cloud. its a miracle.
but its giving me the wrong hope. for the second time...
Even so...
She is the only girl even in friendship i protect.
want her to be happy. even if it not me.
my sacrifice to help others. and protect my best friends
i Stand proudly guard. watch you back. here en there cry. but. i shall do it proudly. And help you where i can. just want to see you happy with hole my heart and soul.