(even disclaimer, weet dat het goed komt, dit zijn even de gedachtes eruit schrijven :P haha!)

A Rambling Of Negative Thoughts

You are annoying.
You are annoying, seems to be one of the harshest things to say
My brain is capable of telling me this every simple conversation, every simple day
Whenever I talk, I hate myself in milliseconds and seek out confirmation to affirm this self destruction
This low self esteem I have, seems to be blissfully ignorant by facts.

I hate myself is one of the most truths I’ve said today
As I feel like this facade of not caring seems to wither away
Until someday, I can’t be bothered anymore and say it out loud,
I must be so fucking annoying, I’m so whiny, so sickening, so negatively shining through

Why do I have friends, why do they care to hang out,
Why, when I do nothing but think negatively of myself
I can’t seem to do nothing but, cry or pout
And I frantically smile to make the sadness go away

And it helps, on better days,
Sometimes they ask what’s wrong,
I just say I’m tired while it’s so much more,

Every time I open my lips, I feel there’s mud spewing out
Of nonsense, of lies and of fake feelings,
While I don’t understand why they’ve been sticking with me all this time...

I wish I had a bullet to shoot in the air, whenever I have these thoughts,
So I could feel normal, or at least like you wonderful people...
As the goal is so steep, to unreal to achieve...
And all I do is deceive...

In trying to find someone to love this is also true,
That’s why their are thousands of rejections in due,
And that’s why I’ll never love I think,
I don’t need it get’s better speeches.

I want someone to come home to
To support and carry through their tragedies,
To cherish and love in eternity,
How cheesy that might sound to be,

But I keep making mistakes,
Keep doing it wrong...
Keep trying to go on.

I can’t,
I’ll die alone and without friends
I can’t
I’ll leave you all alone one day,
And I’ll stay at home.