As I now think and look at myself, I can accualy only
see scars. Not only the ones I have made on my body
myself, but also the deep wounds that still bleed
inside of my head. I can now see that we are not
being judged worthy or not in this life, but it is
the choice you make wich leads you to the answer of
that question. We are brought here to learn and see
what is pain. Allthough I can't take it anymore, I
try to fight on. Thanks to surtain people I know I
can fight on. I only wish that I could just fall
asleep and never wake up again. The pain I have to
bear inside me, the feelings and emotions I cannot
unleash, because i'm to afraid to lose my friends,
will probably allways remain. Where can I find the
rest, the peace I am looking for? How will this be
revealed to me? When will my time come? Will it
come in time?

After tonight I am aware of the fact that I can be a
total asshole. So now I wish I never existed, but
yet...I would give anything to stay. It is hard to
live between two different worlds. To be pulled into
both directions and not knowing wich one is right.
Without any clue to what my future holds. I can hold
this for a long time though, but it is not pleasant.
Why am I so tortured and why do the people I care
about have to suffer as much or more. Why can't this
world be without pain, without the silent scream
through out the night. The scream wich I allways hear
when I sleep or wake up. I can allmost feel the
burning pain that the voice tries to explain through
out its mimical emotion. Like a Screech explained
within the feelings I feel. I can't really explain
how it feels. But I wish it would stop.

Then my next problem seems to be the constant noise
in my head. No matter what I do, no matter how I act
there are allways drilling thoughts, pounding memories
inside of my head. I wish they would leave me alone so
I could rest in peace. Where is the silence I use to
live in all those years ago? I hope that in time these
things find there rest, so I can live on with an empty
head. I just want my mind cleared of all this vile,
venomous, agonizing mind. Just let me sink through
the glass.

I find that only surtain "medication" helps me to
clear my mind. But these items are only temporarily. I
hope that I can hold on with the support of my friends.
They might be able to send my in the right direction
and tell me what side is the right one. I'm not making
this my farewell! and I never will.