We've been together for more then half a year by now, and still I wonder why. I wonder why you cry and why I can't give you the thing you want. I'm asking how, how can I do that. I can't, I just can't give you that thing you're looking for because it's not in me. So here I am, back where I started. I've got everything I want but stil it seems that the pieces are shattered. They're all over the floor like the glass of wine that once fell from my hands. Like the mirror when I couldn't look at myself anymore. I feel disgusted, I can't stand myself. I've found my old friend back, every day I want him more. It satisfies my pain when I swallow him, it lets me forget why I almost cry. But still, still I'm asking why. How could this happen? What exactly is happening to me, to us? I wish I knew, I really wish I knew. But there is nothing to say because no one is there. It's like the song I've heard for over a million times. 'No I don't speak anymore and what could I say? Because no one is there and there is nothing to say.' I feel that way and perhaps you don't notice. Maybe you didn't notice that I took back a bad old habit again. Perhaps you don't dare to ask, maybe you're afraid that I will get mad again. I don't know. To me it seems we're going away from eachother. Each night a mile. How can you possibly stay with me while you're crying every sunday in bed, while I pretend to be asleep.. But I haven't slept for weeks. I think my heart grows weaker by the minute. Don't you remember the time that I thaught I died for a while and then got back and it felt like sleeping for days? I'm afraid it will happen again, I'm afraid I might die because of all those times I wished to die but it never happend. All those times I've tried, but it never worked. And now that I have everything, I will loose it in one night. That's my nightmare, the nightmare I have every day, while I'm awake. And when we sleeping side by side, and you hold your body against mine. I'm thinking 'go away' but you can't hear it. I don't deserve you and you know I'm right. I've always been right. I will die alone, like I always said...