~Home-Less-Home~

She remembers it now there has never felt like home
Home was less and homeless was more
for home was less of love and more of fear
When less of home was wandering at ease
until scary was all there was left
Leaving her to walk behind the person you thought she was
home was less and homeless was more
Leaving her to feel lost in her own skin

At seven she already knew everything she touched would surely die
never understood why and maybe never would
Solutions don’t always need to understand
Tried to cause herself to die for then the source
the cause of her monstrous touch would be faded
the moment her lungs would stop to breathe
strangling herself would stop her heart and cause others’
to beat a bit stronger as to feel more alive

She had no strength to strangle herself and so felt trapped
at the home-less-home and doomed to cause
destruction when all she wanted was to build a home
Foundation firmly put on her grave where she would lie
six feet under for the rest of their lives
Keeping them save from the monstrous she
the destruction her beating heart would bring
in the home-less-home that was never really home

Eight, nine, ten - tried to hide behind the perfect mask of perfect marks
the shy smile and photos framed capturing someone never really alive
Home was less and homeless was more
stories turned into study books studying to be the perfect girl
tricking and treating to turn a home-less-home into a safe place of laughter and love
While screams and shattering glass and hitting and smacking
turned home into less of home and more of mess
caused by all the smoke and ashes the fire and ice would leave behind

She would take on her role as Cinderella always sweeping away the cinders
yet it was a never-ending job for it would be waiting for the next storm
of fire and ice to cover the home-less-home with cinders and dirt
Eventually the cinders would be swept under the rug
leaving the home to look like a nice place to stay
when really home was less and homeless was more
Leaving the world to be outside looking in
seeing nothing but distortion hidden in-between

The girl grew older, more aware of all her faults
never measuring up to her own standards
for the sweeping of cinders never really ended
Never caused the home-less-home to feel more home
She wandered through her life and pioneered some more
Never really going anywhere for no destination was found
Away was safe enough for home was less and homeless was more
till she broke her back and could not sweep the cinders anymore

She decided to shrink herself into less than less than less
no conscious decision for how would she dare use her thinking for herself
Yet she felt trapped in being too monstrous too big and too ugly
for all her trying to make home-less-home more safe
she shrank herself into size zero finally starting to feel more home
in her less of a body for body-less was just like homeless
always felt more like home than what she knew before
home was less and homeless was more

Shrinking would not cause her to be hidden away
eventually it called attention and caused her to feel unsafe
for the sharp light of spotlight showing her darkness
of the monstrous she all she ever tried was to hide,
while trapped in life for her strangling wasn’t strong enough
to cause her monstrous touch to be fading
she sought other ways of stopping her heart and causing other’s
to beat a bit stronger and to feel more alive

People wouldn’t want to see the monstrous she
so people were blinded and hold onto her life
telling her they loved her but really they just needed
the home-less-home to become more like home
a sweeper to sweep the cinders hidden under the rug
Cinderella continued to be there sweeping and stifling
all the smoke and the ashes for the fire and ice
may be less apparent but still burn and freeze and fight

Cinderella could not take on the pressure, swept the cinders under the rug
of her body shell burning herself causing scars
so her body would tell the story of the monstrous she inside
for she cannot understand people trying to keep her alive
No more Cinderella would mean no more fights between fire and ice
no more cinders to be sweeping her death builds a home-felt-home
Foundation firmly put on her grave where she would lie
Six feet under for the rest of their lives